Moving on…

As we stood there in front of the casket, me pouring the last drop of water in his mouth, memories flashed in front of my eyes. Of monkeys cornering us that early morning on their house terrace in Ahmedabad; Of walking on the busy roads in Habsiguda, him walking on my left, guarding me from the traffic and I craning my neck to look at him as he mentions how I would be wonderful doctor; Of  us both sitting beside Amma in the hospital bed and him explaining in ‘kid terms’ what was likely happening in Amma’s brain as she was fighting her tumor; Of him and Sharath gate crashing wedding receptions in our colony; Of all the discussions we had on ‘living’ life and making a concerted effort on spending more time with family; Of the weekend in Queens, NY during their visit to the east coast; Of Grouse Grind and the Dragon boat race, he wanted to do together; Of setting up a local cloud server and him wanting to get into software development and app design; Of all the outdoor trips we planned to do over the next few years; Of our visit to Allouette lake when we visited them a few years back in Vancouver; Of him making arrangements to get a ride for us from the airport to the hospital where he was the patient, Of him asking me not to leave that early when I visited him in June…

The person in the casket in no way resembled the person we’d known. Cancer had devoured him inside-out and it was excruciatingly painful to see him in this state. I was hoping beyond hope that this was all a bad dream and he would wake up, we’d call this a miracle and get back to our regular lives…We knew the end was coming and looking at him in deep pain a few months back, I then hoped it would happen sooner than later… but being there and to see his casket go into the furnace and realizing it’s all over, I wish I had dropped everything I was doing and spent more time with him over the last few months…

On the flight back to Boston, as I was trying to make sense of it all, I was volleying between Ramu anna’s death this year and Rajesh’s suicide in 2015. I was reminded of the podcast on Voyager1 and Carl Sagan’s Pale Blue Dot.

That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam. — Carl Sagan

In the big scheme of things, we’re all so dispensable. Arguably, There’s so, so little that you have control over and there’s no rhyme or reason for certain things. Life is best lived, living in the moment and spending time with family and friends.

Rest in peace, Ramu Anna. You were a terrific person and will be sorely missed.

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